New Year, Who This?

So I think after years of using blogger, I'm going to use a different domain. It doesn't seem like a lot people actively use this site, and it's not as user friendly as WordPress or Tumblr.

Check me out at: http://kindoflikethemonalisa.wordpress.com/

It's All About Consistency

Talk about a flash from the past! I was on Instagram and saw someone post a link to their blog, and I thought of this page. One of my new year intentions is to start writing again. So, I figured why not get my writing juices flowing by blogging. This time consistently (hopefully). 

Consistency and I have a love-hate relationship; my lack of discipline has stood in the way of many good things in my life. But as life has taught me in these last two years: time is truly one of the most valuable things there is. 

2018 marks the 10 year anniversary of my college graduation. I attended a liberal arts college that is known for the large writing prize it gives a graduating senior. By the time I graduated, I was so discouraged with the writing process. Mostly it was my fault, because I didn't work at my craft, but secondly I was criticized by professors and peers about my untraditional form when it came to my poetry. One professor said my writing style reminded her of Lucille Clifton, which when I look back was an awesome compliment. In those 10 years, I was so busy trying to find my purpose, not realizing it was right in my face. I'm not spending another 10 years not writing. Not going to spend another 10 years dreaming about the life I want, but doing nothing. 

What's in a Name?

Almost five years ago, I started a new job and started using my middle name at work. It was a new period in my life, and I wanted to reflect that. I was tired of the different pronunciations (even within my own family my first name is pronounced differently), and longed for a name that people wouldn't ask me how pronounce over and over again. Which is actually good when you work with people who have dementia.

It's not that I wanted to appear "white," as some people have suggested. Which is actually absurd when you think about it, because when I show up to a job interview or anything, people are going to see I'm black. Also, while my first name is an ethnic name, it is completely unrelated to my heritage, so it's not like I am hiding my blackness or background. In fact, I liked having a unique name, and my middle name seems too generic sometimes, but I prefer it over my first.

If anything, I would rather people didn't make assumptions about my race or gender based on my name. In high school, when I went to visit colleges, a couple of the schools placed me with students of Indian descent based on my name. And sometimes people used to think I was a male, because men usually have this name.

So, I started using my middle name, and slowly I incorporated it into my life, I started introducing myself using it, and even changed it on fb. Which of course warranted questions, and even when I explained why, some friends felt the need to ask me about it over. I even had several people try to "out" me, even though I wasn't trying to hide my first name. The funny thing, some people act as if your middle name is just some name you made up and it's really hard for them to comprehend why you would want to use it. But I also have some friends that were really cool about it, and even asked me what I prefer to be called.

My boyfriend asked me a couple days ago if I would consider legally changing my name, and while I thought about briefly before, I seriously hadn't considered it. Even though I don't really use my first name unless I'm around people that knew me before 2009, I think I would feel strange omitting that from official documents. Whether I use it or not, it's an ingrained part of me. But who knows? Maybe when I get married and change my last name, I'll consider changing my first, too.

Motivation Monday

I don't know what it is, but I feel amazing today! My weekend was wonderful with no incident, and maybe I underestimated how much some downtime can improve my mood and outlook on life. I was feeling kind of down about a couple things, but then last night I started thinking about my life, and I am going to be grateful for the things I do have.

I may not be where I want to be weight-wise, but I'm healthy. No diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol - nothing. I was able to jump out of bed, and use my limbs. I'm not working right now, but I'm blessed to have someone that is understanding and is giving me time to pursue my career. Not to go on and on, but I have some pretty good things going, and I refuse to let a temporary setback influence my outlook on life.

Another thing that I am going to let go is holding on to the past. You get so wrapped in thinking about how things should have been, or how someone hurt you, that you don't focus on the present. I'm done worrying about the past, and people who have hurt me. I still have time to pursue my dreams, and I have people in my life that genuinely care about me. and want to see me do well. So from now on, that is what I am putting my energy into.

Giving It Your All

http://www.wimp.com/womangym/

A couple of days ago, I saw this video and it was super inspiring to me. I am in the process of trying to lose weight, so I have started going with a high school classmate that lives near me. There is something to having a workout buddy during your weight loss journey. Even though I have increased my gym visits, I just really started thinking about what I am putting into my body and after being chastised by my gym partner for eating unhealthily, I am going to try a pasta-less diet for a month. When she suggested this to me, in my head I was thinking, "um, no!," but I want to see if I have the willpower to do it. Funny thing, my cabinet is currently stocked with rice and pasta. And to be honest, I think pasta is my favorite food. In addition to eating it almost every day, when the bf & I go out, I am a sucker for a linguine! Particularly a seafood linguine. But when I eat out, I will focus more on fish, veggies, and other proteins. I know I should, but I am not giving up on eating out! I love trying new and delicious foods and posting them to social media. Maybe in time I'll stop eating out as much, and find other social activities in its place.

Since graduation from high school, I've gained about 64 pounds. In college, I gained the freshman 15 + some extra. And of course, everyone had something to say, from my parents to people I went to church with. Of course, it hurt, and sporadically I would try to go to the gym or eat less, but my love of food outweighed my desire to be slim. And I always justified my overeating by saying, "I'm fat anyway, something extra won't hurt me." In hindsight, I realize I used food as a crutch. When something bad happened to me, I ate something. When a man I was dealing with treated me horribly, I ate something. When I felt inadequate, I ate something. Now, don't get me wrong, since the onset of puberty, I've had curves, and always had someone saying if you lose a couple pounds, you would be perfect, but I wasn't one of those girls who felt like I needed to be super thin to be attractive. Even now, I still feel pretty attractive.

In other, not so new news, I moved out from my parents house. Even though I have been officially living with my bf for 5 months, Wednesday and Thursday I moved the rest of my stuff out. It was particularly symbolic for me, because I wasn't just moving my clothes and toiletries. I moved everything, including books. I think I have more books than all my personal possessions combined. Even though I haven't read all my books, these books comfort me. I still have books given to me by my parents when I was child. I have books from special people who have passed away. I still have my favorite book from childhood, Maizon at Blue Hill. In the fifth grade, my parents transferred my brother and I from a small Christian school to a slightly larger Catholic grade school. My first year, I was so lonely, and I was always in trouble. Not for fighting or being mischievous, but for not doing my spelling homework. I figured I didn't need to; I was the best speller in the class. In any case, I was resigned to the back of the class with other miscreants and troublemakers. Incidentally, it was located right next to the books and instead of paying attention, I immersed myself in these books. My parents say I was always a bookworm, but I don't remember loving books until I was about ten. Anyway, I think keeping my books and some other personal artifacts at home was a way of keeping one foot in the threshold, just in case things didn't work out. But 2014 is going to be my year, I am claiming it. In terms of accomplishing goals and bringing dreams to fruition. So, in everything I do, if it's weight loss, school, work, or love . . . I am giving my all to it.

How to Win Friends & Influence People

“Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.”

-Mark Twain

One of my good friends bought me this book for my birthday, and while I have yet to read it, I think it will provide me with some much needed tips on professional and personal interactions. Perhaps, it will be my next selection as I just finished Octavia Butler's Earthseed series. I read horoscopes for fun, but astrology may be on to something. Cancers are tough on the outside, and soft on the inside. Which is completely me. And by tough, I don't mean going around beating people up, or being verbally abrasive, but by having a guard up, and being willing to write people off for small things.

On the flip side of being a cancer, you are a nice person, so people will take advantage of that. That is something I have struggled with my whole life, both in my romantic relationships and in my friendships. At the ripe ol' age of 27, I have finally learned that you have to balance the soft and the hard parts of yourself. On New Year's Eve, I did some cleansing. I deleted people from my facebook account that I finally needed to let go. The deletion was not from a place of bitterness, or dislike, because who knows what will happen in the future? It was a recognition that the season for our interaction has ended.

The older you get, the smaller your circle. And at this stage in my life, I want surround myself with good energy, and with people who have my best interests at heart. I also realize that while I need to be more careful with who I let in, I also need have to be a good friend as well. My first agenda in being a good friend is forgiveness, and openness. Back in college, I had resentment toward a friend because I felt they weren't a good friend to me, and in honesty, we weren't that good of friends. I assumed we were because of how long we had known each other. So, after years of feeling like this person only wanted to be friends with me when she had no one else, I told her how I felt. Of course, it didn't go well, but I felt relieved because I had been honest. Later, when I thought about it, I was just as much to blame, because I recognized what was happening and didn't address my feelings at the time. Something similar happened with one of my closest friends this past year. I was upset at something that had occurred and rather than address it in the moment, I waited months to say how I felt. I was justified in feeling the way I did, but wrong for waiting so long. Friendship, like love, is a gift and it has to be cultivated and appreciated. This life is too short to spend time doing things, or being with people that you don't have to.

New Year, Same Ol' Me . . . Kind Of

“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.”

― Audre Lorde

On facebook, I’ve been noticing a trend when it comes to New Year’s resolutions—people are rejecting them—instead of cramming their hopes and dreams into this annual portal, it seems people are more forgiving of themselves. I love new beginnings. For example, I will be encountering a new semester in a couple weeks, and in a couple months, I will be graduating with my master’s degree. In the near, yet indefinite future, I will be embarking on a new career. Since this is a new year and all, I considered completely wiping out my previous posts, lest prospective employers potentially stumble upon this blog and come to the conclusion that I am completely unemployable (haha). But then I figured, I wouldn’t be me without the struggle, and the dreams that I’ve had these past several years.

Along the lines of making a resolution that’s not quite a resolution, I have a few, of course! But my resolutions are no different than personal goals I already have in place; my only modifications are to not explain myself or justify my decisions. Decision-making can be hard for me; as I like to do things that are not too controversial, and are in my comfort zone. In 2014, I am stepping out of my comfort zone (even more than I have in 2013), and I am going to follow my bliss. While I’m not doing anything crazy, the opinion of my family, bf, and friends are very important to me, but at the end of the day, I can only be accountable for my own actions, or inaction. Yolo or carpe diem can be cliché and sometimes a cover for stupid decisions, but I don’t want to look back on my life and be full of regret. And I won’t.

How to Make a Lemonade Cocktail

Well, I have joined the ranks of the unemployed (again), and the desperation has not set in yet. Rather, I am viewing this time as an extended vacation of sorts. I was laid off, because they had lost a large standard market account, and as there were only two people in the standard market department, and since I was the less experienced (and connected), I had to go. So far, I have put out resumes, and went to two career fairs (which weren't offering anything except sales and retail positions).

While I don't want to disappoint myself with unrealistic expectations, I am viewing this time as an opportunity to pursue the career I want. In January, I start my final semester of grad school, and unlike the last 5 years of my post-baccalaureate life, I don't want a job, just for the sake of having a job. I am putting good vibes into the universe, and a ton of resumes.

Let's see what happens!

Three Years to Thirty

In July, I will be three years away fom turning thirty. While I am not dreading this, there are some things I need to do to get my life in order. I am happy -- met an amazing man, a year away from finishing grad school, and I am gainfully employed -- but it's time to turn up. The problem is, and always has been, getting started. I suppose instead of writing blogs, and posting introspective fb statuses, I just need to start carving away at the vision I imagine for myself. To be honest, I don't have a clear vision, I just know that I want to be in a slightly different place. Being creative, being engaged, and being inspired. I fear that insurance, and even, hr is not going to do this for me; however, you need stability and sustanence to do the things you love (well, for me at least).

I am going to make an assignment for myself. I need to write down where I see myself by thirty, and start working toward those goals. Some of those goals:

1) Get into a bikini next summer (Shallow, I know)
2) Seriously work on, and change behaviors/patterns/habits that are detrimental to my growth (personal, academic, professional)
3) Cook (I've already started that, and my attempts haven't been too bad)
4) Read more (Just downloaded Chimamanda Adiche's Americanah)
6) Write!!! (More blogs, more personal entries, more poetry)

Let's see how this goes.

Notes on a Scandal

On my lunch break, I caught up on the latest episode of Scandal and the more I watch this show, the more I'm considering giving it up for lent. Shonda Rhimes is starting to bother me with her choices in men for Olivia Pope. We live in a world where people claim race doesn't matter, but it does. If I were to get involved with a white man, more than likely, we may encounter some opposition from his family/friends/outside world. And with Olivia being involved with the President of the U.S., there are various factors you have to take into consideration, such as her race, his being married to another woman, and what the world would say if he showed up with Olivia, instead of Mellie on his arm at the Inaugural Ball.

Not to say, I'm a part of the camp that think people of color should have a pristine presence on television, but I do think we should have a more realistic represenation. I've been reading online comments about this past episode, and of course there are those people that feel like: Olivia got played by Fitz, but it happens in life, and then there are others that feel like the whole situation is an affront to black womanhood. To be honest, I'm in the middle. Regardless of race -- women get played by men, women get involved with married/involved men, and essentially women make bad choices sometimes when it comes to men -- however, their affair being interracial does add a layer of complexity, whether people want to admit it or not. I understand as a writer, you want to be true to your craft and create characters true to your imagination, but as a black woman, you would think Rhimes would take this huge oppotunity to write a complex, flawed character who fixes elections and covers up crimes, but has the love of a good, black man. Instead she has a character that is morally ambivalent, and has a love life that is a mess. She pushes away a man who is who her equal, to sneak around with someone who is married, and despite saying he loves her, his actions say something else entirely.

A Starting Point . . . of Sorts

Currently Reading: Philida (Andre Brink)

Kind of in the same place, yet in a new one. Spent two months partially unemployed; my love life is still complicated/non-existent, and my weight is still a struggle. There are some silver linings, however, I did pretty well my first semester of my MPA program; finally found a career choice that I'm actually excited about; got a new job that pays weekly and decently; bought a new car; going to Vegas in June for a wedding; and slowly, yet surely, paying off my debt. So, I would say this girl is finally getting her sh*t together. Now that I have the professional going, I need to focus on my personal life and the things that make me truly happy, like wine (ha!), writing, and good books. As of late, in spite of the awesomeness going on in my life, I am kind of bored. What else is there beyond the ritual of waking up, going to work, school, whatever, and doing it all over again the next day?

Can't a Young Man Get Money Degreed Anymore?

Not the political type, but I always get on edge when people say negative things about Obama, because I wonder where the disatisfaction is stemming from. Do you really think he could have a more proactive stance on energy and jobs, or is your issue coming from a darker place? Not to throw up the "race card," but let's call a spade a spade (no pun intented).

Anyhoo, this woman that I think is nice and intelligent (or so I thought), kind of disapponted me. I'm at work in my cubicle, and this coworker, let's call her B., takes a personal call, on her cell on the floor, and is just going off on this dude. She was one of those people who was romanced by claims of change, had signs on her lawn and everything, but now she feels he is a charlatan. Again, I'm not political so I can't get upset if someone doesn't like his presidency, but she started talking about how she doesn't think he went to Harvard. According to B. it's suspect how he refuses to reveal his academic records, and that his grades weren't that great in high school, so how did he get into Harvard LAW SCHOOL? He must have been a foreign student. Um,ok. I didn't realize you could use SAT for admission into law school. It's that affirmative action at work again!

My plan was to roll my eyes, and tune her out, which I did. Then when I got home, I went to youtube looking for music because I heard this great song on the radio. And somehow I come across racist people airing their grievances against people of color on youtube.From Arizona to the UK, people are angry about immigration, immigrants stealing their jobs,and lustfully eyeing their women. *sighs*

If we have to be honest with ourselves, and without pointing fingers, I would like some answers to some questions: how was the economy of America built? What group of people have historically have gone to other countries, and exploited the indigenous peoples and resources . . . over and over. If people of color are not equal, then I guess you shouldn't worry so much about job security, right?

The whole thing makes me want to become so well-versed in politics, that I will be able to psychically sense when someone is going to open their lips to say something ridiculously stupid, and just "shhhhh" them before they verbally vomit on me.

Love this song:

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Well, boys and girls, it's back-to-school time, and shortly, the weather will become cooler and the leaves will turn. It's time to sober up, put on real clothes, and morph back into robot mode. And what will I be doing? Heading back to school in the hopes I will be able to secure a job where I can make a livable wage and that I enjoy. My boss, however, didn't share my enthusiasm. In fact, he thinks my new venture is direct competition against the growth of his business. But I'm not trying to spend my life living paycheck to paycheck, micro-managing my budget. As they say, "it's time to go big, or go home." And I think I've been playing in the little leagues for far too long. So, grad school, here I come . . . again.

I wish I could say my love life was as verdant with possibility, but what can I say? I met this guy online (yes, I know) and he seemed nice, actually, too good to be true. A young black man with degrees from Penn and Brandeis, no kids, a decent job . . . a seemingly good catch. Only there wasn't sexual chemistry. Our first date, it was great. We had dinner and drinks, and good conversation. But we really didn't communicate afterwards. A couple random texts. A couple invitations to Old City, which I declined because I was tired from work. So, I said we could meet up on Sunday, which lead to his suggestion to meet up at panera for a coffee "date." This time around, I wasn't as charmed. When I get there, he's already seated (which is fine, because I was running late and he told me he would be inside), but I saw that he had already ordered, and that was a little weird to me. It struck me as childish, because a real man would have waited for me to get there to order and/ or offered to get me something. But whatever, I ordered this amazing salad and mango smoothie. Also unlike last time, the convo wasn't nearly as sparkling. He was quite annoying, giggling like a schoolgirl during our awkward silences. Eventually the date ended with an awkward hug, and I drove off, knowing that that would be our last date. Yesterday he sends me a text saying he's not looking for anything serious right now, and that it would be silly to start dating someone after the second date. When I received it, I was disappointed, because 1) I wanted to be the first to tell him to beat it, and 2) if you're not looking for something serious, what are you looking for? As Gwen Stefani said, "I ain't no hollaback girl!" So, I texted back what I had to say, which you know was a mouthful, and went on my merry way. Of course he responded with some mess, but I kept it moving. So, I guess Lessie and Victoria won't be having those grandkids anytime soon. Ah well, after dealing with my crazy, pathological lying, cheating, ex who came with more baggage than an airport, I'm good on men right now.

"Houston, we have a problem!"

This diet "lifestyle change" of mine has yet to take flight. I need some of that self-discipline I had in the UK. In two months, I lost 15 pounds; however my roommates where thin and gorgeous, I was responsible for making my own meals, my mom packed a 3 month supply of instant oatmeal and granola bars, and I was pretty diligent about going to the gym. I'm thinking about creating a vision board to motivate me, and just find pictures of amazing, beautiful, healthy women that I can look up to as I make this difficult journey.

I found these stock photos of this model, and while I don't want to be that thin, she's fit, beautiful, and chocolate . . . a good starting point for my vision board. I don't want to look like anyone else, I just want to be the best version of me. If I have to 100% honest with myself, I'm not happy with where I am, and I think my health has a lot to do with that. When I get off of work, I don't have energy for anything, and most times I just come home and watch tv or go to sleep. I want to be active and healthy. And I have some superficial reasons as well. I love shopping, I love to look nice, but I'm not 100% confident because my weight is not where I need it to be be. At this point, I have to embrace that this will not be an easy process, that some days I won't feel like going to the gym, or eating right. When I feel like going back on my goals, I need to remember the benefits of this lifestyle change: Not only will I look better, I'll feel better too.

Label Whore

I LOVE this bag, but it is ridiculously expensive. To splurge or not? That is the question. What is it about designer items that makes us forgo common sense, and spend money we don't have on items that would be pretty basic without a posh name attached it? Funny thing, I'm not that girl that needs designer clothes and shoes, but it's hard resist the appeal of a fabulous purse.

Grind Time

When I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to be grown. To me, being grown signified having your stuff together, being independent, etc. Back then, I never thought I'd be where I am now: 26, working two jobs (but barely making it), living with the 'rents, 3 going on 4 postbac degree attempts, a little extra poundage, and no love interest in sight (at least not one of my choosing). But I'm not getting down on myself because, 1) my underachievement is not just a personal thing, it's a generational thing. So my lack of success can be blamed on the times I live in and economy and, 2) at least I have a job, and two of the them to boot. So what if I need two jobs just to equal one fairly decent salary? *Sighs*

Despite these small blessings, and 4 almost 5 months of occupational bliss, I need a new gig. Not two jobs I picked up in desperation to pay my car note, and fund a nonrefundable trip to the UK, but a "real" job a.k.a career, replete with health insurance, dental, paid vacay, and if I'm lucky, tuition reimbursement.

And I don't know which one is the lesser of two evils, a boss where I have to wonder if I'm getting paid on time, or a call-center where my coworkers watch my whereabouts with the keenness of a vulture about to devour it's last meal (e.g. how does your key work at this hour? who told you you were allowed to park in that spot?).

Tomorrow, I will have been 26 for a whole month, and I have not made any steps to get my life together. I have 11 months, to change my perspective, and from there my life. By 27, I will be:

Skinnier
Moving into my own place
Closer to finishing my master's (finally!)
Working towards a career, and not just a job

It's been said that you have to speak your dreams into existence, and rather than sit by and let another year pass me, I'm going to make the things I dream about happen.

Sounds ridiculous, but I . . .

Am reading Seth Grahme-Smith's, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and so far, it's actually pretty awesome! Naturally, I would not have thought to pick up a book by this title, but as you know, the movie adaptation is coming out this weekend. Even how the story began kind of surprised me. It starts off with this guy from this quaint-yet-dying town in New York, who went to college and had aspirations of becoming a writer, but like most people, he got caught up in the rhythms of daily life. Before he knew it, 9 years had passed, and he had kids, a wife, and mortgage, working at a family shop. Then, a customer comes in with a mysterious package, and the story takes off from there. There are some parts that are a little cheesy, but with that title, I don't think the author was going for a serious, historical drama. The historical aspects are pretty interesting though.

When one door opens . . .

I got the internship! So excited. This is something that I've wanted for a while, and when I finally let go of my reservations and inhibtions, God opened a door. The best way to say, "thank you" is to go hard, and take advantage of everything that comes my way. I'm working and studying in the healthcare field, and I get a communications & development internship at a healthcare organization. Feeling really blessed right now.

Reminiscence

I was asked to bring writing samples with me today. So, I am looking through my folder of essays from classes, and poems from workshops. And God, do I miss that time. I miss reciting poetry and researching the tragic mulatto. Maybe I should have went ahead and got that Master's in English? But while I was looking, I remembered a poem I fell in love with and it kind of reminds me of someone I know.

Infidelity

Zeus always introduces himself
As one who needs stitching
Back together with kisses.
Like a rock star in leather

& sapphires—conflagration
& a trick of silk falling
Between lost chances & never
Again. His disguises are almost

Mathematical, as Io & Europa
Pass from their dreams into his.
This lord of storm clouds
Is also a sun god crooning desire

& dalliance in a garden of nymphs.
Some days, he loves gloxinia,
& others, craves garlic blooms—
Hera, Aegina, & Callisto in the same song.

-Yusef Komunyakaa

What's past is prologue

It must be written in the stars for me to write again, considering my mom said something to me this week about writing and in a fb skype session today, a friend reiterated the same sentiment. So, in the age of cyber-celebrity and narcissist rants passed off as witty dialogue, I thought I'd try blogging (once again).

To be honest, there's nothing better than sitting down in front of a keyboard and typing, and maybe that's what I've been lacking in my life. Perhaps, I wouldn't have quit one of my jobs on Thursday if I had been typing more, then again, I wanted to quit. You see, my current profession is out of necessity and career adaptation rather than an actual desire to work in this field. Don't get me wrong, I've grown to like, even love, what I do and I like my coworkers (some maybe too much), but it's time for me to move on. Even though the economy sucks, I have to follow my heart, right?