What's in a Name?

Almost five years ago, I started a new job and started using my middle name at work. It was a new period in my life, and I wanted to reflect that. I was tired of the different pronunciations (even within my own family my first name is pronounced differently), and longed for a name that people wouldn't ask me how pronounce over and over again. Which is actually good when you work with people who have dementia.

It's not that I wanted to appear "white," as some people have suggested. Which is actually absurd when you think about it, because when I show up to a job interview or anything, people are going to see I'm black. Also, while my first name is an ethnic name, it is completely unrelated to my heritage, so it's not like I am hiding my blackness or background. In fact, I liked having a unique name, and my middle name seems too generic sometimes, but I prefer it over my first.

If anything, I would rather people didn't make assumptions about my race or gender based on my name. In high school, when I went to visit colleges, a couple of the schools placed me with students of Indian descent based on my name. And sometimes people used to think I was a male, because men usually have this name.

So, I started using my middle name, and slowly I incorporated it into my life, I started introducing myself using it, and even changed it on fb. Which of course warranted questions, and even when I explained why, some friends felt the need to ask me about it over. I even had several people try to "out" me, even though I wasn't trying to hide my first name. The funny thing, some people act as if your middle name is just some name you made up and it's really hard for them to comprehend why you would want to use it. But I also have some friends that were really cool about it, and even asked me what I prefer to be called.

My boyfriend asked me a couple days ago if I would consider legally changing my name, and while I thought about briefly before, I seriously hadn't considered it. Even though I don't really use my first name unless I'm around people that knew me before 2009, I think I would feel strange omitting that from official documents. Whether I use it or not, it's an ingrained part of me. But who knows? Maybe when I get married and change my last name, I'll consider changing my first, too.

Motivation Monday

I don't know what it is, but I feel amazing today! My weekend was wonderful with no incident, and maybe I underestimated how much some downtime can improve my mood and outlook on life. I was feeling kind of down about a couple things, but then last night I started thinking about my life, and I am going to be grateful for the things I do have.

I may not be where I want to be weight-wise, but I'm healthy. No diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol - nothing. I was able to jump out of bed, and use my limbs. I'm not working right now, but I'm blessed to have someone that is understanding and is giving me time to pursue my career. Not to go on and on, but I have some pretty good things going, and I refuse to let a temporary setback influence my outlook on life.

Another thing that I am going to let go is holding on to the past. You get so wrapped in thinking about how things should have been, or how someone hurt you, that you don't focus on the present. I'm done worrying about the past, and people who have hurt me. I still have time to pursue my dreams, and I have people in my life that genuinely care about me. and want to see me do well. So from now on, that is what I am putting my energy into.